Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Deadbeat Parents Don't Want To Be Called Deadbeats

According to US Legal Definitions, a "Deadbeat" is a descriptive term that refers to parents of either gender who have freely chosen not to be supportive parents or who do not pay their child support obligations. Deadbeat dad and deadbeat mom are commonly used by child support agencies to refer to men and women who have fathered and mothered a child but are unwilling to pay child support ordered by a family court or statutory agency.

A deadbeat parent is someone who doesn't help to financially support their child and is not there for the child emotionally. Some deadbeats cut off all contact with their child, while others have some, but little contact with their children or child. A deadbeat is typically the father, but there are indeed deadbeat mothers as well.

When my ex-husband left our home to move in with one of his many mistresses, he often times told our then 9 and 10-year-olds that he left me, but didn't leave them and that he was always going to be there for them.

That didn't last long. 

As time went on, he began treating them differently. His new wife and step-kids were his priority, and his own flesh and blood children moved down on that priority list. He stopped doing things for them. He stopped buying them gifts for their birthdays or Christmases. He would often times refuse to help get them back and forth to doctor appointments simply to spite me. He then began making excuses to shorten his visitations. Often making up stories that the kids wanted to come home early, or that he had to work, which I would find out were complete lies.

He eventually moved to a different state, a 9-hour drive away from his children. This was 3 years ago. He hasn't seen them in person in over 2 years.

He hates having to pay child support. Absolutely hates it, and does everything possible not to pay it. He quits jobs once child support begins garnishing his wages, and will work under the table jobs while telling child support that he is unable to find a job. The ONLY reason that he is not further behind on child support than he is, is because the government takes his tax return each year. If he wasn't forced to pay what he has paid, he would not pay a dime. The last time he saw the kids, his wife and he talked about me in front of them, calling me a "money hungry bitch" because I expected him to pay child support and help support these children that he made with me. He learned how to play the system and pay the absolute minimum amount that would keep him out of jail. All in an attempt to hurt ME, you know, the one person who actually takes care of his children. Just like the simple narcissistic sociopath that he is, he is only thinking about himself and not comprehending how his actions affect our children.

As the children got older, they saw him for what he really was. They noticed his empty promises. They noticed that he didn't spend time with them, and how much he lied to them. They also noticed the fact that he didn't do anything for them anymore. I remember a day once, before he moved out of state, our kids came home from his house crying, and my oldest made the comment, "it's like he doesn't even care about us anymore", holding back his tears.

That kind of shit breaks my heart. NO KID deserves to ever feel that way about their own parent!

He moved out, moved on, moved our kids down on his list of priorities, moved to a different state, started over, and now has complete freedom. He has the freedom to do what he wants when he wants, he doesn't have to worry about anything but himself and his wife.

Two out of the three of our teenage kids refuse to speak to him now. Our daughter is the only one who will chat with him. He hasn't talked to them on the phone in probably over a year. Our daughter used to ask him all the time to video chat, and he always had an excuse as to why he couldn't. She finally gave up asking. Once in a blue moon, he will ask -- wait, no, demand that they call him at a specific time on a specific date. He will say something like, "call me tomorrow at 6", never once asking if that was a good time, and it was often at a time when they had school things going on or we were just going to be out of town. He communicates via Facebook messenger, and the majority of his messages consist of this:

..... and he then disappears for days, only to repeat this same message. Sometimes he will ask about school, but the conversations are always short as if he doesn't even know what to say, so he just disappears. He knows nothing about his own kids anymore. They are teenagers and he has no clue what they are into or their likes/dislikes.

If our daughter is really (un)lucky, he will go off on a tangent, claiming to be such a loving and caring father and tell her it's all my fault for not letting the other two talk to him, and for not letting them come visit him, despite the fact that when our daughter asked him why he never comes to see them if he really misses them as much as he says, his reason was that he didn't have the gas money.

One thing that almost every single deadbeat parent has in common is that they blame the other parent for them not being involved in their own child's life. My ex blames me for it all. Apparently, I let one child talk to him, but not the other two. It's all my fault that they don't want to talk to him because I've told them lies about him. He never once takes responsibilities for his own shitty parenting. When the kids confront him about lies they have caught him in, he gets extremely defensive and says he never lies (HA!), and it's all me lying to them.

TYPICAL Narcissist Behavior. Textbook. 

Don't get me wrong, I know that there are custodial parents who do attempt to alienate the father out of spite, but those fathers typically fight tooth and nail to stay in contact with their child and do whatever they can to have their parental rights enforced. The majority of deadbeats put on a good show to others in an attempt to look like a loving, caring parent, while blaming the custodial parent for everything, and making minimal effort to talk or see their kids. No deadbeat parent will ever admit to being a deadbeat. A person who doesn't care enough about their own kids to be in their lives is either extremely immature and irresponsible or is not mentally stable.

No matter how you feel about your ex, YOU made a child or children with them. You have a moral and financial responsibility to these kids. If I were to just up and decide that I didn't want to take care of my kids anymore, I would be charged with abandonment, but these deadbeats just get away with it. When you refuse to help raise your own children in an attempt to hurt your ex, you are only hurting your children in the meantime, and your ex is busting their ass to make sure that your kids have everything they need in life.

Because see, while you are living your new life with no responsibilities, going to concerts, smoking weed and playing on the X-box for hours, and doing all of the other fun stuff, I am the one who

  • Makes sure that our kids have what they need both physically and financially.
  • I'm the one who goes to every single one of their school concerts and performances. Even when you lived 3 houses down from their school, you couldn't be bothered. The kids noticed!
  • I'm the one who had to face the questions of "why does daddy lie so much?", "why does daddy treat us different?", "why does daddy act like he doesn't care about us anymore?", "why does daddy not do what he promises us?".
  • I'm the one who makes sure they have a roof over their head and food in their bellies.
  • I'm the one who makes sure that they get to every single doctor appointment.
  • I'm the one who deals with our son's ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder diagnoses. You have NO IDEA what I have to deal with on a daily basis, nor do you understand how much he has to go back and forth to the doctor for it. We live in a small town. We have to travel to see a psychiatrist.. all the time!
  • I am the one who deals with the hormonal meltdowns of pubescent teenagers.
  • I am the one who has to deal with any type of problem at school.
  • I am the one who is ALWAYS here for them when they need to talk.
  • I was the one who was here for them when their friends died in a car accident earlier his year and they didn't know what to do with their emotions.
  • I am the one who attempts to help them with their homework (I say attempt because this common core math is bullshit!).
  • I am the one who takes them back and forth to school for band practice all the time.
  • I am the one who is at every single parade and football game cheering them on in the band.
  • I am the one making sure that they have their fees paid and everything they need for extra-curricular activities they want to do.
  • I am the one who is at every single band and choir concert cheering them on, no matter how mundane middle school choir can be!
  • I am the one making sure that our daughter got braces, and she gets back and forth to her regular appointments for tightening/adjusting. (Again, there are no Orthodontists in our town,  so more traveling).
  • I am the one who is there for them when they need to talk about hurtful things that happened to them at school.
  • I am the one that they come to if they need ANYTHING at all, and they know that I will do my best to get it for them, no matter what my financial circumstances are.
  • I am the one who goes without things so that our kids can have things.
  • I am the one who doesn't have the freedom to do what I want when I want because our kids are ALWAYS my priority.
  • I am the one who takes the responsibility of teaching our kids right from wrong and showing them how to be a GOOD person.
  • I am the one who is ALWAYS there for them, no matter what!
What does YOUR list look like, Mr. Deadbeat? You get angry if I call you a deadbeat, but what have you done to NOT be a deadbeat? A few text messages a week doesn't cut it. A $30 child support payment every few months to keep your ass out of trouble doesn't cut it either.

So the next time you want to call me a "money hungry bitch", threaten me, or blame me for all of your fuck ups, you should read through this list and compare it with yours. What have you done for our kids in the last 5+ years?

deadbeat dad, father
Get the shirt!

Ever hear the saying, "actions speak louder than words"? Your words are empty and so are your actions.

In five years, you have never ONCE asked me how they are doing. If they need anything. If there is anything going on that you should know about. Never ONCE. But you made sure to threaten me plenty of times when/if you didn't get your way. That right there shows how fucked up your priorities are.

Single parents sometimes get a bad reputation. It takes a really strong person to handle this whole parenting thing on their own. Kids aren't easy to raise. Many of us not only take on the responsibility of raising these little human beings, but we also have to put up with being blamed for everything by the other parent. Most of us didn't plan on being a single mother. Many of us were lied to and manipulated. I was married for 10+ years and here I am today.

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