Wednesday, March 1, 2017

How To Cope With Ghosting

In case you missed my post What is Ghosting explains what the term ghosting actually means. Ghosting is a very popular term used nowadays especially when talking about online dating or dating in general. It's the cowardly way out of a situation.

Ghosting can cause a myriad of emotions especially if you had been chatting with a person for a good length of time. Even if you haven't met in person, whenever you have spent time getting to know one another you develop a bond; an attachment with that person. You have most likely made this person an important part of your life and you feel like this person has made you important in their own life.

Then they are just gone. The bond you had is gone. The idea that a romantic relationship could possibly have blossomed from this bond has disappeared. Like a ghost, you can't see it any more, it's just gone.

I will admit, the first few times I was ghosted, I didn't want to accept that someone was ghosting me. I wouldn't believe that someone would be so cruel to do such a thing. I would 'blow up' their phone sending messages asking what's wrong, asking them if they are ok .

"Why are you not answering me back? Did I say something wrong?

I jumped every time my phone would go off thinking, 'there he is', only to discover that it was someone else. You lay there at night just hoping for a text message or something and still, nothing. You overthink things, going through the conversations you had trying to figure out what you said wrong or what would have happened for them to not like you any more? Maybe I will text him tomorrow. Just one last text.

So you send him one last text saying something like, "well, I hope you are reading my messages and that I hear from you soon". Still holding on to that one last thread of hope that he will text you back with some exhausting excuse that he lost his phone and just got a new one, or he was in a car accident but he missed you so much and is so glad to be talking to you again.

That text never comes. You finally realize that none of the above is true. All of you heartfelt messages and voicemails were being intentionally ignored. You didn't mean anything to that person. The fact is, you were probably one in a handful of others that he was talking to. Everything he said were lies. You were just a pawn in his game and you lost in the end. Hell, he probably doesn't remember who you are!

Let's be honest, blowing up his phone is just making you look sad and desperate. Don't be offended, I'm guilty of this, too. I was guilty of this until I read something online once that said something online the lines of,

"You shouldn't have to beg for anyone's attention. If he wants you, he will fight for you".

Then it all made sense to me. Am I really that sad and pathetic that I think I have to BEG for someone's attention? If I did, why would I want that kind of attention? Wouldn't I want attention handed to me at their own free will instead of forced by my desperation?

Ghosting happened again, and it again. It happens a lot. Ghosting is the easy way out and with the internet and cell phones, it is super simple to do because all you have to do is block someone and they simply disappear. I want a man who enjoys talking to me, who enjoys making time for me, not someone who can't be bothered to take 2 minutes out of his day just to send a simple text. I am worth way more than that and so are you!

My new ghosting guidelines are like this: If I don't hear from him for a few days, I will send one message saying something like, "how's it going?" or "is everything ok?". Then I will wait a few more days. Maybe I will decide that he's not worth sending another message to or I will send something like this:

"I hope you haven't disappeared on me and I hope to hear from you soon" or
"I'm not going to beg you to chat with me, so if you still want to talk to me, get ahold of me"

and leave it. Just leave it. Delete his photos, delete all of his messages. Delete his phone number out of your phone if you want (or give it a few days to see if he responds before deleting his number).  I know the first few days of no contact is going to suck and it's going to hurt but you will move on. You will slowly think about him less and less until eventually he is forgotten.

Learn from each experience. Learn not to get attached too easily. Learn that people will deceive you and that most people say the things that they think you want to hear, and not what they really feel. It's a tough lesson to learn but you will be better prepared for the next time and the time after that. You will learn better ways to cope with ghosting, and eventually, someone will want to make time for you and stick around.
The Only Dating Survival Guide (click for more information)

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