Friday, January 24, 2020

Losing My Hair, Losing My Mind

I've never had very good self-esteem or confidence, mostly because of my weight. I spent the majority of my childhood being teased and taunted, and told I wasn't good enough because I was fat. The only 2 things I ever really liked about myself was my blue eyes and my long natural blonde hair. Despite my eyes being a pretty blue, they don't work too well, and I'm pretty much blind without my glasses.

My hair, on the other hand, has always been my crowning glory. It's been long for most of my life, almost waist length, The last 5 years or so, I've gone back and forth with cutting it short, then growing it out again. I've always received a lot of compliments on my hair, and I liked wearing it long and kind of in my face to hide myself, plus I was pretty proud of it!

Last weekend, I decided to get my hair cut again because long hair really is a pain in the ass, and I'm feeling like I just don't want to deal with it any more. My stylist, whom I've been going to for a few years now, brought it to my attention that my hair is getting thin on top. She even asked if I had been to the doctor later. I had literally just been to the doctor for my yearly check-up 2 days prior. She told me that I need to call them and have my thyroid and hormones checked.

That freaked me out.

Not that I may have some underlying issue to deal with, but that I could lose my fucking hair. MY HAIR!

My hair has been such an important part of my identity. If it falls out, well, what the fuck?!?! I mean, yeah I could get a wig, but who wants to mess with that shit? My mom tried a wig a few times after losing her hair to chemotherapy, and they can be a big pain in the ass and uncomfortable.

NO! I don't wanna! I've actually been feeling good about myself! Lost 26 lbs according to the doctor's scale, being more active, having more energy. No, I'm not giving up my hair! If I lose my hair or go super thin on top, that will just bring my confidence down even more. Who wants a bald lady??

The main causes of hair loss could be PCOS or thyroid issues. To be honest, I pretty much have every single symptom of PCOS except for the weight gain. I did mention some of them to my doctor and she said it could be normal for my age, and early onset menopause, but yeah, I think it's time to check! Could also be a vitamin deficiency. I just need to know that it can be treated or I know what to plan for. I'm calling the doctor and will update in the future.

I can't lose my flippin hair!

Does anyone else have experience with hair loss? As a woman, hair is very important to us. I don't know how to deal.

Tuesday, January 7, 2020

2019 Can Fuck Off

April 3. April 3, 2018 was the last time I posted anything on this blog. A few days after that date (I know this because it was my birthday), my mother had a mammogram and ultrasound done because she found a large lump in her breast.

After surgery to remove the lump, she was diagnosed with stage 3 triple negative breast cancer.

Everything changed after that.

I'm an only child and she was a single mom, so it was always just the 2 of us growing up, and we have always been very close. Being the only child, now everything landed on me. On top of being a single mother of 3 teenagers with no help from their father, everything to do with my own mom's health landed on me, too.

She begun chemotherapy in June. Surgery to have a chemo port put in. The actual chemotherapy is 4 hours long, but that doesn't include blood work, waiting for the results, and getting approval for each session from the oncologist, which meant, every day that she was scheduled for chemotherapy, we would sit at the hospital for at least 5 to 6 hours, every other week. That also doesn't include appointments with the radiation specialist, oncologist, surgeon..etc.

On top of that, she was hospitalized because the chemo was causing her heart rate to skyrocket. Oh, and let's not forget the sub par work the surgeon did putting the port in, which meant she had to have a new port put in not twice, but THREE times. The third time was by a specialist who told us that the original surgeon put the first 2 ports in incorrectly (law suit?).

Chemotherapy is literally poison for the body. Not only does it kill cancer cells, it also kills good cells. Blood work every week to make sure nothing was too high or too low, IV therapy for dehydration, losing her hair, being in so much pain that she could just barely walk. Numerous days watching her cry in pain. Watching her be so physically exhausted that she couldn't get out of bed. Losing 50 lbs because she had no appetite and I had to literally force her to take some kind of supplement so that she didn't become malnourished.

Days of feeling exhausted and overwhelmed because everything was put on me. Feeling like I couldn't complain about feeling tired or sick because I'm not the one who had cancer. Feeling like no one else was there for ME when I needed them. I was the one who had to be strong.

There wasn't much fun in 2019. We didn't really go and do anything fun because life wasn't fun any more and I didn't want to go too far away from her in case she needed me. I didn't feel like having fun watching her be so miserable. There were many times that she said she would rather die than go through the side effects of chemotherapy.

After chemotherapy was finally finished, she had surgery to remove some lymph nodes and some remaining questionable tissue that was left from the first surgery. Around 8:30pm on the night before Thanksgiving, her surgeon called to tell her that everything came back negative. She is now cancer free.

But the poison from chemotherapy isn't gone. The side effects are still there. She still doesn't eat much. She has neuropathy in her feet and hands, and can't do a lot of things that she used to be able to do. Her energy is finally starting to come back, but that will leave again once she starts radiation. She still has to have radiation done because it will decrease her chances of cancer coming back to less than 10%. Radiation causes extreme fatigue, and literal burns on the skin. It's not over yet.

It's easy to see why I haven't been up to posting anything here lately. My life has been too consumed by this. I think I'm getting back to it though.

Narcissistic Sociopath Ex Husband

I think I've pretty much covered every topic I could think of when it comes to dealing with a narcissistic sociopath ex. To be honest, it's been 6 years now since my ex left, and I'm over that drama. I know I got lucky with him moving out of state so I don't have to deal with him much at all any more. Our kids are 15 and 16 now. He will send them Facebook messages telling them how much he loves and misses them, but he hasn't seen them in almost 4 years. When one of them brings up that it's his fault for not coming to see them, he says that it isn't worth the gas money to drive all the way up here and see them only for a couple of hours (because let's face it, no one around here would let him stay with them for any amount of time, and he won't pay for a hotel), and it's their fault for not wanting to come down there for a month in the summer. As of right now, he is going to church (again) and has found Jesus (again), and Jesus has forgiven him for his sins and he is going to be a better father (I've heard this story probably 5 times). He always tells the kids that one day they will know the truth about me, and he knows that I have poisoned them against him. When my daughter asked him what the truth is, he said they will find out when they are older. Typical narcissist. STILL won't take responsibility for him screwing up his relationship with his kids, and putting the blame on everyone else. Nothing will ever change with him, and I'm over it.

Dating Life

Yeah, so, I'm pretty content being single. I like being able to do whatever I want when I want and not having to answer or tell anyone else. I like not having drama in my life. I like not having to worry about who he is talking to or what he is doing. To be honest, my views on dating are so fucked up right now. I have friends who have been in relationships for years and then the other person decides to cheat and they split up. These days, I feel like cheating is the norm. No one is really faithful any more. People use other people. People lie about who they are and what their intentions are. My walls are soooo high that it's going to take someone really, really special to break them down.. and I'm OK with that. I'm still on a few dating apps, but I swipe left on almost everyone. I just feel like why put myself out there to be lied to and used? Is it even worth it any more??

So, that's where I've been and where I'm at in my life right now. I don't want to just throw this blog away. I've had some good posts on here, in fact, one of my posts landed over 85K hits! WOAH!

I love hearing from other people who come to this blog and are able to gain some insight on the things they are going through themselves. I'm always open to talking to people and helping them through the rough times because I've pretty much been through it all. This just proves that you will come out a better person on the other side!

If you have any suggestions of topics you would like me to look into dealing with narcissistic sociopaths, parenting, mental health, depression, obesity..etc., feel free to leave a comment or send me an email. I'm always open!

For now, I'm going to just post about any random thing that pops in my head or that I may be dealing with at the time, or something I see that bugs me. I hope you will all stick around! Let's see where 2020 takes us.

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

My Life As An Empath-- What I'm Learning

I remember as a kid, watching TV shows and feeling my heart begin to race and a nervousness come over me if a character on the show was about to get caught doing something they weren't supposed to be doing. It was so bad that there were times when I would have to look away from the TV until that scene was over. I often times wondered why that happened to me because it didn't seem to happen to others. My friends would be laughing or just watching everything unfold without thinking twice about it.

Was I just weird?

They are sensitive to the visible as well as the invisible and pick up on body language, tone of voice, body movements, the words people choose when they speak, the words they avoid, the logic they use; and the hidden things that only an empath can sense inside another person.

This happened a lot throughout my life. It was as if I could feel other people's feelings; their anxieties. When I met someone new, it only took a few minutes for me to feel good vibes or bad vibes off of that person, and most of the times, my feelings were right.

I often felt bad vibes from my now ex-husband. I always had this voice in the back of my head telling me that something wasn't right and that sinking feeling in my stomach. He lied too much. His stories didn't make sense. He took advantage of people. Other people grew to dislike him once they got to know the real him. I am not that type of person and I never have been. I've always been the kind and caring person who despises lying, and felt that people only lie to cover up something they've done wrong or to take advantage of others.

Unfortunately, I pushed those thoughts and feelings out of my head because I wanted to see the good in him. I wanted the good times to overpower the bad feelings. I didn't want to believe that the man I married and had children with was a monster. 

I would often times have conversations inside my head going back and forth between the bad vibes and the love I thought I had for him. Was it worth throwing away our marriage because of these things I knew were not right but couldn't physically prove them? It got to the point to where I could tell he was lying just by the way he laughed or how he talked. I picked up on every little sign. He would look me right in the eye, lie to me, and have no idea that I knew he was lying. I didn't want him to know what I knew, and even if I tried explaining it to him, he would deny it or call me crazy.

It was only after our divorce and learning about narcopaths that I realized my inner thoughts were right all along. If only I had listened to them in the first place, I wouldn't have wasted so many years of my life with this bastard.

Now that I have more of an understanding of what exactly an empath is, I've tuned myself in a little bit better. Actually, I was reading an article the other day saying that everyone is an empath they just don't know how to use their powers. I call bullshit. I know so many people who don't seem to give two flying fucks how someone else feels or how uncomfortable someone else is. It's not possible, especially considering how many true narcissists are in this world. 

I've learned to follow what my head feels. If I meet someone and they seem off or like they just have bad energy, I know to stay away from them. It's not worth the chance.

Here's an example that really showed me how in tune I am. A friend of mine began dating a man last year. I had never met him, didn't know anything about him, but she posted videos of him drunk singing in her living room a few time on social media. Most of the time, drunk singing videos are fun, right? Well, I couldn't pinpoint it at the time, but I just had a bad feeling about him just from those few minutes of video. I knew there was something about him that creeped me out and made me want to stay far away from him. Turns out he's a woman beater, and a career criminal who is in and out of jail. Another friend of mine knew him for many years and she later told me that he's always been trouble. 

I had no way of knowing that.

But I felt his negative energy just from those couple of videos. 

It doesn't take very long for me to feel what kind of energy a person has. I'll admit, there have been times where I thought I liked someone, but red flags kept popping up here and there. Those red flags stayed in the back of my mind until I realized that the relationship was not worth putting any energy into because I know what those red flags mean. I had to let the negative energy lead the way and stay away.

Unfortunately, there are going to be situations where we get those bad vibes about someone, but we have to deal with them in some sort of way, whether it be at work or a family friend. We can be polite to them, but we don't have to get close to them, ever. 

There are some bad things about being an empath when it comes to parenting, which I wrote about here: Parenig As An Empath With Anxiety.  It's hard to follow through with tough love when you can feel the hurt that your child is feeling. I've had to learn to push past them and force myself to stay on track and not give in. It's difficult at times and sometimes my feelings win and my kids know how to work it.

Being an empath makes us a good target to a narcissist. They know that they can play on our feelings to win us over. They will give us a sad story about how they were abused as a child or went through some horrific trauma in their life, giving them an excuse for their shitty behavior. We can feel that pain and we want to help them through it, we want to "fix" them. They know that we are easy to take advantage of. They use our sensitivity against us. Once we stand up to them, they turn around and throw it in our face that we are too sensitive! We are just imagining things! 

This is why we all have to learn that we can't save everyone. Not everyone has our best interest at heart. There are monsters out there who will try to eat us alive if we let them. We need to follow our gut instinct and distance ourselves from this kind of toxic personality. We need to use our brains over our hearts. This will save us from so much sorrow in the future. As parents, we also need to teach our kids to not let others manipulate us and take advantage of our kindness.

I am planning on fine tuning my empathic skills. I've heard that there are ways you can tune into them and use them to help you in the future. The goals I have are to fine tune my skills, follow my gut instincts, but not let people take advantage of my kindness. I need to learn to know when someone is attempting to take advantage of me or manipulate me, while also having the ability to stand up for myself and stay away from those kinds of toxic people. None of us need toxic people in our lives. All they do is bring us down. If you feel that something isn't right, then most likely you are probably correct and you need to stay far away. I've learned that ignoring those voices in the back of my head instead of listening to them just brought me pain and regret. Those voices are trying to tell us something and we have to learn to start listening to them.

Do you consider yourself an empath? Why or why not?


Life As An Empath