Thursday, December 6, 2018

Tips For Parenting A Child With A Narcissistic Sociopath Parent

I remember sitting in the hallway of the courthouse awaiting our turn in the courtroom. I always sat in the same spot, far away from the ex, and I would skim over this sign on the wall opposite of me. It was sort of like a list of things you should and shouldn't do to/for your kids, such as you shouldn't tell them that they can't love their other parent or the other parent's family, don't guilt trip them, or question them for information on the other parent. The one that always stuck out to me was not to talk negatively about the other parent.

Alienating your child can be a very bad thing especially in the court's eyes. People do it all they time. They tell their kids lies about the other parent in hopes that the child will grow up to hate them as much as they (the parent) do. It's not fair to the good parents in the world who want to be a part of their child's life.

How does that work when one parent is a mentally abusive narcissistic sociopath? Are you supposed to lie to your kids and tell them what a wonderful father he is? What about when they get older? Courts don't seem to see mental abuse the same as they do physical abuse, despite mental abuse leaving lifelong trauma it doesn't leave visual trauma, so I guess it doesn't count?

When my ex and I first separated, he had to put on a good front for the court, so he always got the kids at his scheduled time and kept them until he was scheduled to bring them home. The kids stayed at his house every other weekend from Friday after school until Sunday evening. They would come home and tell me stories about how they were not allowed to sit on the furniture, only their step-siblings were. How they had to sleep on the couch and/or floor and would wake up with their step-mother's feet in their face because the adults in the house decided they wanted to watch TV in the middle of the night. Or how they didn't have anything in their house to eat and were not allowed to eat certain foods because they were the adults' food.

Once court was done, everything changed. He always had excuses to pick them up late and bring them home early. Kids would tell me that when they were at his house he would make them stay outside the entire time so that they wouldn't bother him and her.  Or he would completely ignore them to hang out with his teenage stepdaughter's boyfriend.

As they got older, they began questioning things. Our oldest son now says that he absolutely hated being forced to go to his father's house (before he moved out of state 3 years ago). The kids would ask me questions. They noticed how much he lied about things. They caught him in his lies. They noticed when he would promise them things and then never follow through with those promises. They noticed how he couldn't keep a job and was always switching to new jobs. They would ask why I had been at my job for so many years and he kept changing jobs every few months? They noticed how differently they were treated at his house and how he would never spend time alone with them or do things with just them. He couldn't give them what they wanted and needed as their father.

What was I supposed to say to these questions they kids asked me? How do you explain a narcissist parent to a child? Of course, I wanted to say, "well, he's a lying piece of shit!", but I couldn't say that.

Our kids are teenagers now, so it's easier, and I don't need to sugarcoat everything. When they ask me why he does things, I tell them that I don't know and that they would need to ask him why.

As it stands right now, our boys refuse to speak to him or have any type of communication with him. Our daughter talks to him here and there via Facebook, but even those conversations are short. There have been multiple times where he has told our daughter that if the boys don't start talking to him, he was going to take me to court and make them talk to him or make them come down and stay with him for the summers.

I blocked him from my phone a long time ago because I was tired of his empty threats and attempts at manipulation. He has been unblocked for quite a while now, but apparently, he hasn't realized it yet. So, since I blocked him from contacting me, now he resorts to threatening me through our child. He will tell our daughter things like, "I don't want to put your in the middle of this, but tell your mom if she doesn't stop doing this, I'm going to press charges on her". Then he will go on a tirade about how all he wants is a relationship with the kids, but I won't let him, I won't let them talk to him and I won't let them go down and visit him. He will never, ever take responsibility for his own actions and realize that his kids don't want anything to do with him because of how he has treated them in the past, the lies, the manipulation, and the fact that he hasn't done anything for them in years! It's always MY fault... in typical narcissistic fashion. He's so textbook I can practically predict what he is going to say or do now.

Luckily, by now, the kids know what the truth is. They know who has been there for them and who has not been there for them. They know who puts an effort into being a parent and who doesn't. They know who follows through with their promises and who doesn't. They can see it all.

Our youngest son blocked him on Facebook a while ago because he didn't want to talk to him. The other day, unbeknownst to me, he unblocked him and then sent his father a few very long messages, basically telling him to "stop his crap", stop threatening his mother, and that I have not stopped them from talking to him or seeing him. Basically defending me. I was a little shocked, but it made my heart feel good that my kids will come to my defense.

narcissist, narcissism, abusive, abuse, sociopath

In a perfect world, my ex and I would be able to have a good relationship and work together for the kids, but that's never possible with a narcissist because they can't put anyone else above their own wants and needs, not even their own children. They are not able to put themselves into their kids' shoes and see the damage they have done.

I wish my kids could have a good father figure in their lives to teach them things and show them how to be good men (and our daughter, how a woman should be treated). I wish he could be the father that they need him to be, but he can't.

How can you explain this to children? Even being teenagers, our kids can't quite comprehend what a narcissist is. They just know that he lies a lot, can't keep a job, always blames me for everything, and he's not there for them.  When I asked my oldest once why he didn't want to talk to his dad, his answer was, "because he's just not a good person".

So just remember mamas, your kids will see the truth eventually. When they are little, you have to sort of protect them from a lot of things. You don't need to tell your 7-year old that the other parent is a lying piece of shit. They won't understand that. Younger children look up to their parents, and love them anyway, despite their flaws. All you can do is keep your thoughts to your self and just make sure that they know how much you love them and care about them. Eventually, they will see the other parent for what they really are. You don't have to explain anything about their narcissistic sociopath parent.


No comments:

Post a Comment