Thursday, November 15, 2018

Guest Post: The Same Narcissistic Traits

Narcissist, narcissistic, abusive

I stumbled across your blog from July 23, 2018, and I felt like I was reading parts of my own story. **names have been changed**

I met Houston back in high school. We had mutual friends but were not friends. He was on the football team, I was in marching band. We never talked or associated with each other. Fast forward 9 years. I was going through my first divorce and Facebook was still relatively new. It was late, I'd had a bottle of wine and I saw he was online. I didn't think anything of it, just sent him a quick chat to see how life had been treating him since graduation. 

That initial communication was opening the floodgates. I was already moving back to my hometown with my toddler daughter. We continued to talk through the next few weeks as my time was quickly approaching to make my move.

When I got back to my hometown, we met up for drinks. What was supposed to just be a one night stand turned into something I couldn't even imagine. It all started out innocently enough. I had moved back in with my parents and we'd meet up a few nights a week for drinking. That should've been my first clue. He was going out every night of the week and had a lot of jobs that didn't last very long.

Things started moving really fast. We ended up moving in together with my daughter. Then one night I caught him talking to another girl over text messages. I was his "roommate" and he missed her and wanted to be with her. Well, I naturally confronted him and was told she was nothing, going through a hard time and he was being nice. This went on for months with various women but yet I was made to feel guilty about questioning him.

I backed off and he did everything he could to win me back. He was working in construction and "lost" his job. So, after 6 months of me being the sole supporter, he decided to go to trade school in another state. Thinking I was in love, I co-signed on his student loans. He left for 9 months of school. He had straight A's, etc... always telling me he's proving his parents wrong. That he's worth something and look at his grades yet it was never good enough for them.

While he was away in school he came home as a surprise and proposed to me. I was over the moon happy. I thought this was a great thing and my daughter was getting a great dad. (She was 18 months old when we started dating). After he went back to school I was on his facebook one night and saw yet another conversation with a girl about her going to visit him. She ended up sending me their conversation. I lost it. I blew up at him and he told me it was over. Yet, like a fool, I went back again and a few months later we got married.

We moved to another state for his job and that is when it really started becoming more obvious that there were HUGE issues I couldn't begin to fathom.  

My daughter was in kindergarten when we moved. She's been a straight A student in school, yet he'd always tell her things like, "you're not trying", "you can do better", "you're lazy", "you always give up", "you do things half-assed". I'd try and reassure her to the best I could but I never said anything. I regret that now. 

I was always hesitant to have another child. I'd done the single parent gig, and it wasn't easy. He knew my fears about it and always reassured me that he wasn't that person and he'd be there no matter what. I decided to give in and we welcomed a daughter together. 

When my daughter was about 6 months old I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I did not want to hurt my children, but rather I'd be driving and would see a bridge. I'd think to myself how easy would it be to just turn the wheel and run into it head on. I never acted on these feelings. My best friend was concerned and talked him into getting me help. She told him that he needed to call my parents and fill them in or she would. He complained to her that he couldn't deal with it and was done. She told him to man up.

I got the professional help I needed and went on an antidepressant and within 6 months I weaned myself off of them and was fine. Less than a month later, he texted me that he was done. Thus began the spiraling of seeing his true self.

We had gotten loans on various things to pay bills, mostly his tools (snap on). The straw that broke the camel's back was that he was unable to make his loan interest payment and had lost his bow. I was blamed for him losing everything. Nevermind that he never paid his student loans and they garnished our tax returns. Stuff I was not aware of because he hid the bills.

I realized I couldn't live like this. I filed for divorce to protect me and my children. Since I filed a year ago, my daughter from my previous marriage has been in therapy for depression resulting from the way he treated her over the years. She had suicidal thoughts and thankfully approached me about them and I dropped everything to get her the help she needs. 

He's been employed with 9 different companies over the past 5 years. I would hear how "Cash" is hard to work with. He's always on his phone and fucking off. I do everything around here. Same old MO over and over again. Never his fault. He's the victim. When he'd get a new job he'd tell me he's doing it to better the financial circumstances for us. BUT, he was fired from a few of those jobs. 

He doesn't pay child support on time. When questioned he tells me that I don't know how to manage my money and I blow it all. You're right, I pay daycare 2-3 weeks at a time and what is left, if anything, buys food and diapers for her. But yet, I blow the money and need to grow the fuck up according to him. 

There is much more, but hopefully, my story can help someone else have the courage to realize their self-worth and get out of a similar situation.



This story sounds eerily familiar. Although the circumstances are different, the red flags are all the same! It's important to always have your guard up and watch for those red flags. 

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narcissistic, abuse, abusive, narcissism

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