Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Dating After An Abusive Relationship

When recovering from an abusive relationship, it's normal to want to rush into a relationship with someone new. Part of you wants to prove to the world that you are not the horrible person your ex proclaims you to be, and you are worthy of a happy relationship.

The abuser will typically move on very quickly. Most likely he has already been talking to or seeing someone else anyway, and their charm and cunning ways make it super easy for them to find a new victim or "supply".  This is why most toxic people move from relationship to relationship very quickly and do not stay single for very long at all. They can't handle being single because they need someone to take care of them and someone they can control easily.

narcissist, dating, abuse, abusive


The fact that they get into a new relationship so quickly can be extremely painful to their victims. They tell us how horrible we are and then we watch them find a replacement so quickly that we start to believe that it was indeed our fault. It wasn't.

Normal people don't jump from relationship to relationship to relationship without healing time in between. Hooking up with people, maybe, but being in actual relationships with new women, no.

The first thing you need to remember is to stop worrying about him and what he is doing. He is going to tell everyone what a horrible person you are. He is going to tell everyone how wonderful and amazing his new girlfriend is. He is going to do everything in his power to make himself look wonderful and you to be the enemy.

Don't let him get to you. He wants to tear you down. You are now his #1 enemy and he will play the victim card to everyone around him while attempting to push all of your buttons to make you look like the crazy one.

You need time to heal.

You will most likely find out about a landfill full of lies he has told you during your relationship with him. He most likely cheated multiple times. He probably lied to you about everything he ever told you. You eventually realize that the person you thought was the man of your dreams was a big fat fake. He never loved you at all because he can't love anyone but himself. The man you planned to spend the rest of your life with could look you right in the eye and lie to you.

This is a hard pill to swallow.

It takes time for your brain to have the ability to sort all of this out. You will go through different stages of recovery from narcissistic abuse. You will feel extreme hurt for a long time, and then you will feel extreme anger. You will hate him with every ounce of your being.

Eventually, you won't feel anything at all. You will realize that he was a monster and you were his victim, and you are so much better off without this toxic person in your life.

Recovering from an abusive relationship takes time and you don't need or want to drag someone through this process with you. Rushing into a relationship may make you feel better for a little bit, but it's not going to work out if you can't put 100% into it, and that's not possible if you are still healing from the previous relationship.

Sometimes you need some time to be by yourself to sort things out. You can have friends, you can have friends of the opposite sex, but it's really not a good idea to rush into something new too quickly after an abusive relationship.

Of course, there isn't any set amount of time that you need to wait. We all process and heal at different speeds. I read something once that said you know you have healed when you are able to talk about it without crying or getting upset. When you can look back at that relationship and realize how toxic it really was and how much healthier you are both physically and mentally without that toxicity in your life. That is when you know that you are ready to move on.

And guess what? Even if it's a year or two after the split, your ex is still going to hate that you have moved on to someone new. Despite them acting like they hate you and want nothing to do with you, he will still try to maintain some sort of control over you. He doesn't want anyone else to come along and take away that control from him.

I've always heard that the best revenge against an abusive narcissist is to just be truly happy. They don't want you to be happy!! They want to believe that you are miserable without them and want them back.

Show them what true happiness is!

One last thing that you need to do is learn what the signs are of a toxic relationship are. Learn them. Memorize them. Be sure to always have your guard up when starting to date again. If you see any of these red flags, RUN! It's been shown that some people are prone to being in abusive relationships. Stop the cycle by learning the signs and getting out before it's too late.

It's up to you do decide when you are ready to move on to a healthy new relationship. Just keep in mind that a relationship can't work if you are not healed from your ex. You and the other person will only end up getting hurt in the end. Just heal yourself first and if you have children, help them heal from the breakup and any manipulation tactics that the narcissist will use on them.

Take your time, don't rush into things and may your new relationship flourish when you are ready.

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Life After Narcissistic Abuse. There Is Healing and Hope (click link)
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