Monday, July 23, 2018

Six Mind Blowing Things You Realize After Being In An Abusive Relationship

Being in an abusive relationship with an narcissistic sociopath can really screw with your head mentally. During your relationship, many things occur that you may not understand at the time. Things that just don't make sense, but you loved him, so you made excuses for his behavior or you simply overlooked it. If you are an empath like me though, those things always stuck in the back of your head. You tried to overlook some of these things, you tried really hard, but they always stayed in the back of your head because you knew these things were just not right, and normal people don't do these things. You may have even made excuses for this behavior to other people because you felt that the right thing to do was to always have your spouse's back. You never wanted other people to think badly of your significant other. You wanted everyone to like him and support the relationship. 

The problem was that most people didn't like him. You knew this. But all that mattered was that you loved him. When the relationship finally ends or the end begins, it's then that you begin to see that his behavior makes sense once you learn what a true narcissist he is. Unfortunately, the end of the relationship with a narcissistic sociopath can also be the most confusing time.

Before the end of my marriage, when I heard the word narcissist, I thought it was the name for someone who likes themselves too much -- takes lots of photos of themselves and thinks they are the bee's knees. That was until the term narcissist popped up in doing research about sociopathy. Narcissist means so much more than just being conceited. A narcissist is someone who only cares about themselves. They don't and can't truly care about another person, not even their own children. They spend their entire lives manipulating and hurting others for their own benefit. This is narcissistic personality disorder.

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Traits of a Narcopath that suddenly make things make sense. The A-Ha Moment.

Lies and More Lies. This is probably the biggest trait of a narcissistic sociopath. Ninety-eight percent (my guesstimation) of what comes out of their mouths are lies. They lie about everything. They will tell stories of things they have experienced in their life; mostly lies. They lie to everyone around them, co-workers, family, spouse, children. They make empty promises that will never come to fruition. They make up excuses for bad things that they do. They will lie and then deny that they lie and say that you just misunderstood them or they never said that. Those that know them best, know that almost everything out of their mouth is a lie. Victims of a narcissist will believe their lies in the beginning, but eventually, they will notice these lies, too. You will probably make excuses for them or defend them to your family and friends who see those lies. You want to believe what they say, but deep down, you know they are a liar, you just don't want to believe that they are lying to you.

Superficial charm without many friends. A narcopath has no problem making friends. They are outgoing, friendly, and funny. People like them when they first meet them. Making friends is easy, but keeping them is a problem. Narcissists have friends, but no long time friends. For instance, I have friends that I've been good friends with since elementary school, some even earlier than that. We are still friends and we all adore each other. My ex-husband narc had a lot of newer friends (made within the past six months to a year), but no old friends. He talked about old friends, but those old friends were never around, mostly because they had enough time to see him for what he truly was below the surface and they didn't want to associate with him any longer. He didn't even have any friends to stand up for him in our wedding -- he had to borrow a few of my male friends. His side of the wedding party was empty. Some of my friends and family sat on his side just to make it not look so empty. The new friends he made would disappear after getting to know him. He had one friend who was brave enough to confront him by telling him that he "mind fucks people" and that he only came around when he wanted something. Narcopaths are not capable of keeping lifelong friends because no one likes liars and users. 

Separate personalities. Throughout the relationship, you probably noticed how he had two different personalities. He had one personality with you, but when he was out in public or even on the phone with a business, he put on that superficial charm mentioned above and presented himself as being very kind and charming. Of course, that was only if someone didn't push his temper and piss him off in which case his real personality came out regardless of where he was. Most of us have what I call a "customer service" voice when talking to someone we don't know very well, but narcs are more than that. They have completely different personalities. They don't want any outsiders seeing what they really are. You most likely thought this was odd -- sometimes it even worked to your benefit. He was a master manipulator and was able to use this superficial charm to get special deals and treatment. Hell, I once witnessed a car dealership offer my ex-husband a job because he was able to bullshit their car salesmen into better deals instead of the other way around. 

Good guy syndrome. These people want their "supply" (term often used for the current victim of a narcissist who falls for all of their bullshit) to see them as a good guy. For instance, whenever my ex heard stories about someone cheating, or we watched a TV show where someone cheated on their wife, he would become angry and call them every name in the book. "You stupid asshole , you don't cheat on your wife!" he would say. "I can't believe that idiot is stupid enough to cheat! Cheating is disgusting. One time, while we were going through a rough patch, he caught me talking to another guy. We had never met, and this guy lived an hour away. I had no intentions of meeting this guy, I just wanted someone to talk to and enjoyed the attention I was getting because I was getting no attention from my then husband. When he saw this, he threw on the fake tears and played the manipulation game to the point that I was apologizing profusely and begging for his forgiveness. These kinds of things made me believe that I NEVER had to worry about him cheating on me because he thought cheating was horrible.

Blame Shifting. We had many rough patches throughout our marriage (which I will get into later on in this post). There were times when I became suspicious about other females in his life. Usually females he worked with at one of his numerous jobs. There were even times when I found incriminating conversations either online or via text messages. The master manipulator was brilliant at making up stories to get himself out of trouble. He could come up with these stories off the top of his head so quickly that I would believe them. Or I would at least attempt to believe them. Deep in the back of my mind, I knew that the stories didn't make sense and were too off the wall, but I wanted to believe that he wouldn't cheat. He would then shift the blame on to me. I was just paranoid. I was just being stupid. There was nothing going on and I look like an idiot for accusing him of cheating. It was only after he left us for another woman, that the truth really came out (thanks to his family and other females contacting me) and I found out that every time I had been suspicious throughout our marriage, I was RIGHT. He had cheated numerous times with numerous females throughout our entire relationship. I even found out about new ones!! He won't admit it though. He swore to me that the female he left me for was the only time he ever cheated. He even cheated on her while he was still living with me. Cheating on his wife with two different women at the same time. He encompassed everything that he claimed to hate!! His tactics worked though because I believed his lies for a very long time. I KNEW I wasn't crazy, and I KNEW that his stories were bullshit all along, but he had me so bamboozled that I TRIED to make myself believe him. He would blame me for doing the things that HE was doing even though I knew I never did it!

The On and Off Switch. We separated twice before the final third time. The cycle repeated itself all three times. Narcs win over their supply by showering them with love and affection. They want their supply to believe that the narc wants no one else and that the narcissist is going to give them everything they've ever dreamt of. They can turn this off like a light switch once a new interest comes along. The affection and love just stops. They treat you differently. They are mean to you. They blame you for everything wrong in their life. They are cold and callous and act as if they don't care if you lived or died. This can be so extremely confusing to a normal person. Normal people can not just turn their love off and on like that! When the narc's new supply is gone and they decide they want you back, they will throw on that charm again. He will tell you everything you want to hear. He will apologize hundreds of times with fake tears, making up excuses for the way he treated you, and promising that he loves you more than anyone else and he will spend the rest of his life making it up to you. It was just a mistake! He will promise you the world -- again. And you will believe it. You will still be very confused, but you want that fairytale happily ever after so you fall for it. Until it happens exactly the same way again and again. It's so hard for you to wrap your head around it. But once it's over and you learn about narcissistic sociopaths, you understand that they never loved you, they are not capable of loving anyone else but themselves. That's how it was so easy to turn that "love" off and on the way that they did. It was never your fault. 

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The end of a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath can be absolutely devastating. You don't understand it at first. Things just don't make sense. How did we get here? How could he treat you that way after everything you have been through with him? Am I not loveable? 

If you think you are in a relationship or were in a relationship with a narcissist or narcissistic sociopath, do some research and find support groups online. The more you are able to learn about a narcopath, the more you are able to understand what was going on in your relationship and why things happened. Then you can heal and eventually move on.

Narcissists prey on people who have low self-esteem and/or empaths who have big hearts. They do this because they know that we will be easy to win over and easier to manipulate because we either are not strong enough to stand up to them or our big empathetic hearts will fall for their love bombing easier. It's nothing we did wrong. They took advantage of our kindness.

Oh, and please DON'T spend energy thinking about the new supply, worrying if he loves her more than he ever loved you. He doesn't. Remember, they don't love anyone but themselves. He is telling her all of the same things he told you in the beginning, and probably telling her how horrible you were to him (for sympathy) and she is eating up all of the lies. He will tell everyone that he loves her more than anything, but it's all a ploy. His cycle starts all over. It's just beginning for the new supply. Your time is done. 

You can't change the past and you most certainly can't change them. Narcissists can't change because they don't want to change. They think that nothing they do is wrong. Everything is always someone else's fault. They believe that they do no wrong and that they know everything. They are mentally ill. You don't have to forgive them, but understanding their behaviors will make a huge difference in your healing. They live in their own little bubble of reality. But what they think is reality is not REAL reality to everyone else. You can't fix anything, you can only stay as far away from them as possible and make sure to not fall into this trap with another narcissistic sociopath in the future.

It's difficult for a narcopath to let go of their supply. Even if they have moved on to a new supply, they don't want to let go of the control they once had over you. They will use everything they know about you in their attempt to trigger you and set you off so that they can make YOU look like the crazy one. They will become very angry if you block them or take away that control, but it has to be done. The only way to heal from a narcissist is to cut off all contact and take away their control and manipulation.

I want to hear from you! Have you been in a relationship with a narcissist? I can share your story on this blog (anonymously if you wish) and hopefully help others in the same situation. Email me with your story. 

Encountering A Narcissistic Sociopath Book. Get It Here.


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