Thursday, October 5, 2017

The Real Face of Severe Depression

I wrote this post 3 days ago. I'm better now but I am leaving this as I wrote it, just fixing a few spelling errors. I want everyone to feel what having real depression is really like and how it can just show up out of the blue. I felt fine the night before and then I woke up in the morning like this. Fighting back tears all day and fighting these thoughts in my head. I absolutely hate days like this. Depression is a bitch.. but it's real. It's not something you can just "think positively" and it will go away. People with severe depression's brains don't work that way. You never know when it's going to hit you. This was one of the worst days I have had in a very long time................

This is what depression looks like. A desperate feeling of spiraling out of control, like you don’t matter, like you’re all alone and have nothing. When it’s all you can think about and it feels as if the negative thoughts are completely consuming you.

I’ve never felt so alone until recently. I have my kids and my mother, but other than that, I have no one. I have no one to talk to, I have no one to vent to, I have no one who can understand the loneliness that I am feeling. I used to have a lot of friends when I was younger. My ‘friends’ don’t have time for me anymore. I thought I had a new friend right here close to me but she went from calling me her bff to forgetting that I exist when a new man came into the picture, so I’m realizing she was never a real friend in the first place. I literally have no one. I don’t have that one friend that I can call up any time of the day or night to vent or cry to. I’m just here, alone.

The negative thoughts keep creeping in, like in 6 years my kids will be grown and out of the house, and my mother isn’t going to live forever. What happens then? I’m 40 years old and don’t want to spend the remaining years of my life completely and utterly alone. I’ve been through Hell over the last 5 years. I tried to stay strong and fight through it, but in the end I’m just here with nothing.

I’m not worth anyone’s time. I’m the forgettable one; the one that everyone forgets that I exist. No one texts me, no one calls me, no one comes over, no one checks on me to see if I’m ok, no one gives 2 shits about me. Oh, I’m sure they would say that they do on social media but they can’t be bothered to go out of their way to see me or even find out if I’m ok. I hint around to my friends that we should get together for lunch or just to talk and of course, they say, “Oh, that would be great, we need to do that”, but then when I ask them when they are free or for a time, I never got a definitive answer. I mean, they say that they would love it but when it comes to actually doing it, they can’t be bothered.

I read all of the posts on social media of friends going out and doing fun things with their families and friends, and I don’t have that. None of my friends are single, they all have someone. On the rare occasion that I do get invited somewhere, I am usually left to feel out of place; the third wheel just there with me, myself, and I.

I’m trying to get my freelancing career up and running. I read so many success stories of people who are living the dream, making great money, going on beautiful lavish vacations, and here I am, forever stuck here. I’m trying but not getting anywhere so it seems pointless. Even if I could go on lavish vacations, who would I go with???  I feel defeated. I’m not meant to be successful at much of anything I do. Everyone else is, not me.

No one else understands because they all have someone, they have their ‘person’, their bestie, the one who is always there for them no matter what, whether it’s a friend or significant other. I’m just existing. Right now, my purpose is to raise my kids the best I can but one day they will be grown and then what? What’s my purpose then? I have none. To exist. To take up space and oxygen. What is the point of even living??  I can’t seem to find a good reason.

The only reason I’m posting this here is that I have no one else to say this to. Yes, I suffer from severe depression… but everything I’ve typed is true, who WOULDN’T be depressed?

I Am Fine (Depression) t-shirt


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