Friday, December 25, 2015

Depression and the Holidays

It's difficult dealing with depression and anxiety throughout the year but for most, the holidays seem to be the worst. I'm not quite sure what it is about the holidays that make things extra depressing, even for people who don't suffer from manic depression.

For me, I have a very, very small family. I don't have any siblings, I've never met my father, and I don't have much real family. It's always depressing this time of year hearing friends and co-workers talk about the huge family Thanksgiving meals they have or all of the numerous Christmas parties they attend. Hundreds of photos posted on Facebook of Christmas cheer with family and friends.... and here I am. Just me and my kids.. and my mom. Just us. My driveway is never filled with cars, my house is never overflowing with guests. It's just us. I try to make things as fun as possible for the kids but I feel like they are missing out on the holiday fun as well.

The seasonal depression is usually worse when you are single. I haven't had a Christmas with anyone special in year. Even the last few years of my marriage were not good ones. We celebrated with the kids but there was nothing between us. I have dated here and there since then but never at the holidays, for some reason. Some days I just stay away from all social media because it just brings my mood down to see lovey dovey photos of everyone with their significant others -- sharing holiday get togethers or snuggling on the couch. I don't have any of it. Of course, I love my children, but that love is completely different from having someone special in my life. I go to work and get to listen to everyone talk about what fun things they are doing with their s.o. while I just sit there quietly pretending not to care but deep inside I'm extremely envious.

Of course this also means I don't have the added stress of parties, preparing a shit ton of food, family drama, and having to buy extra gifts that I cant afford. I'm sure some probably feel that I am the one who is blessed....but the grass is always greener.

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