Thursday, December 6, 2018

Tips For Parenting A Child With A Narcissistic Sociopath Parent

I remember sitting in the hallway of the courthouse awaiting our turn in the courtroom. I always sat in the same spot, far away from the ex, and I would skim over this sign on the wall opposite of me. It was sort of like a list of things you should and shouldn't do to/for your kids, such as you shouldn't tell them that they can't love their other parent or the other parent's family, don't guilt trip them, or question them for information on the other parent. The one that always stuck out to me was not to talk negatively about the other parent.



Alienating your child can be a very bad thing especially in the court's eyes. People do it all they time. They tell their kids lies about the other parent in hopes that the child will grow up to hate them as much as they (the parent) do. It's not fair to the good parents in the world who want to be a part of their child's life.

How does that work when one parent is a mentally abusive narcissistic sociopath? Are you supposed to lie to your kids and tell them what a wonderful father he is? What about when they get older? Courts don't seem to see mental abuse the same as they do physical abuse, despite mental abuse leaving lifelong trauma it doesn't leave visual trauma, so I guess it doesn't count?

When my ex and I first separated, he had to put on a good front for the court, so he always got the kids at his scheduled time and kept them until he was scheduled to bring them home. The kids stayed at his house every other weekend from Friday after school until Sunday evening. They would come home and tell me stories about how they were not allowed to sit on the furniture, only their step-siblings were. How they had to sleep on the couch and/or floor and would wake up with their step-mother's feet in their face because the adults in the house decided they wanted to watch TV in the middle of the night. Or how they didn't have anything in their house to eat and were not allowed to eat certain foods because they were the adults' food.

Once court was done, everything changed. He always had excuses to pick them up late and bring them home early. Kids would tell me that when they were at his house he would make them stay outside the entire time so that they wouldn't bother him and her.  Or he would completely ignore them to hang out with his teenage stepdaughter's boyfriend.

As they got older, they began questioning things. Our oldest son now says that he absolutely hated being forced to go to his father's house (before he moved out of state 3 years ago). The kids would ask me questions. They noticed how much he lied about things. They caught him in his lies. They noticed when he would promise them things and then never follow through with those promises. They noticed how he couldn't keep a job and was always switching to new jobs. They would ask why I had been at my job for so many years and he kept changing jobs every few months? They noticed how differently they were treated at his house and how he would never spend time alone with them or do things with just them. He couldn't give them what they wanted and needed as their father.

What was I supposed to say to these questions they kids asked me? How do you explain a narcissist parent to a child? Of course, I wanted to say, "well, he's a lying piece of shit!", but I couldn't say that.

Our kids are teenagers now, so it's easier, and I don't need to sugarcoat everything. When they ask me why he does things, I tell them that I don't know and that they would need to ask him why.

As it stands right now, our boys refuse to speak to him or have any type of communication with him. Our daughter talks to him here and there via Facebook, but even those conversations are short. There have been multiple times where he has told our daughter that if the boys don't start talking to him, he was going to take me to court and make them talk to him or make them come down and stay with him for the summers.

I blocked him from my phone a long time ago because I was tired of his empty threats and attempts at manipulation. He has been unblocked for quite a while now, but apparently, he hasn't realized it yet. So, since I blocked him from contacting me, now he resorts to threatening me through our child. He will tell our daughter things like, "I don't want to put your in the middle of this, but tell your mom if she doesn't stop doing this, I'm going to press charges on her". Then he will go on a tirade about how all he wants is a relationship with the kids, but I won't let him, I won't let them talk to him and I won't let them go down and visit him. He will never, ever take responsibility for his own actions and realize that his kids don't want anything to do with him because of how he has treated them in the past, the lies, the manipulation, and the fact that he hasn't done anything for them in years! It's always MY fault... in typical narcissistic fashion. He's so textbook I can practically predict what he is going to say or do now.

Luckily, by now, the kids know what the truth is. They know who has been there for them and who has not been there for them. They know who puts an effort into being a parent and who doesn't. They know who follows through with their promises and who doesn't. They can see it all.

Our youngest son blocked him on Facebook a while ago because he didn't want to talk to him. The other day, unbeknownst to me, he unblocked him and then sent his father a few very long messages, basically telling him to "stop his crap", stop threatening his mother, and that I have not stopped them from talking to him or seeing him. Basically defending me. I was a little shocked, but it made my heart feel good that my kids will come to my defense.

narcissist, narcissism, abusive, abuse, sociopath

In a perfect world, my ex and I would be able to have a good relationship and work together for the kids, but that's never possible with a narcissist because they can't put anyone else above their own wants and needs, not even their own children. They are not able to put themselves into their kids' shoes and see the damage they have done.

I wish my kids could have a good father figure in their lives to teach them things and show them how to be good men (and our daughter, how a woman should be treated). I wish he could be the father that they need him to be, but he can't.

How can you explain this to children? Even being teenagers, our kids can't quite comprehend what a narcissist is. They just know that he lies a lot, can't keep a job, always blames me for everything, and he's not there for them.  When I asked my oldest once why he didn't want to talk to his dad, his answer was, "because he's just not a good person".

So just remember mamas, your kids will see the truth eventually. When they are little, you have to sort of protect them from a lot of things. You don't need to tell your 7-year old that the other parent is a lying piece of shit. They won't understand that. Younger children look up to their parents, and love them anyway, despite their flaws. All you can do is keep your thoughts to your self and just make sure that they know how much you love them and care about them. Eventually, they will see the other parent for what they really are. You don't have to explain anything about their narcissistic sociopath parent.

RELATED POSTS


Thursday, November 15, 2018

Guest Post: The Same Narcissistic Traits

Narcissist, narcissistic, abusive

I stumbled across your blog from July 23, 2018, and I felt like I was reading parts of my own story. **names have been changed**

I met Houston back in high school. We had mutual friends but were not friends. He was on the football team, I was in marching band. We never talked or associated with each other. Fast forward 9 years. I was going through my first divorce and Facebook was still relatively new. It was late, I'd had a bottle of wine and I saw he was online. I didn't think anything of it, just sent him a quick chat to see how life had been treating him since graduation. 

That initial communication was opening the floodgates. I was already moving back to my hometown with my toddler daughter. We continued to talk through the next few weeks as my time was quickly approaching to make my move.

When I got back to my hometown, we met up for drinks. What was supposed to just be a one night stand turned into something I couldn't even imagine. It all started out innocently enough. I had moved back in with my parents and we'd meet up a few nights a week for drinking. That should've been my first clue. He was going out every night of the week and had a lot of jobs that didn't last very long.

Things started moving really fast. We ended up moving in together with my daughter. Then one night I caught him talking to another girl over text messages. I was his "roommate" and he missed her and wanted to be with her. Well, I naturally confronted him and was told she was nothing, going through a hard time and he was being nice. This went on for months with various women but yet I was made to feel guilty about questioning him.

I backed off and he did everything he could to win me back. He was working in construction and "lost" his job. So, after 6 months of me being the sole supporter, he decided to go to trade school in another state. Thinking I was in love, I co-signed on his student loans. He left for 9 months of school. He had straight A's, etc... always telling me he's proving his parents wrong. That he's worth something and look at his grades yet it was never good enough for them.

While he was away in school he came home as a surprise and proposed to me. I was over the moon happy. I thought this was a great thing and my daughter was getting a great dad. (She was 18 months old when we started dating). After he went back to school I was on his facebook one night and saw yet another conversation with a girl about her going to visit him. She ended up sending me their conversation. I lost it. I blew up at him and he told me it was over. Yet, like a fool, I went back again and a few months later we got married.

We moved to another state for his job and that is when it really started becoming more obvious that there were HUGE issues I couldn't begin to fathom.  

My daughter was in kindergarten when we moved. She's been a straight A student in school, yet he'd always tell her things like, "you're not trying", "you can do better", "you're lazy", "you always give up", "you do things half-assed". I'd try and reassure her to the best I could but I never said anything. I regret that now. 

I was always hesitant to have another child. I'd done the single parent gig, and it wasn't easy. He knew my fears about it and always reassured me that he wasn't that person and he'd be there no matter what. I decided to give in and we welcomed a daughter together. 

When my daughter was about 6 months old I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I did not want to hurt my children, but rather I'd be driving and would see a bridge. I'd think to myself how easy would it be to just turn the wheel and run into it head on. I never acted on these feelings. My best friend was concerned and talked him into getting me help. She told him that he needed to call my parents and fill them in or she would. He complained to her that he couldn't deal with it and was done. She told him to man up.

I got the professional help I needed and went on an antidepressant and within 6 months I weaned myself off of them and was fine. Less than a month later, he texted me that he was done. Thus began the spiraling of seeing his true self.

We had gotten loans on various things to pay bills, mostly his tools (snap on). The straw that broke the camel's back was that he was unable to make his loan interest payment and had lost his bow. I was blamed for him losing everything. Nevermind that he never paid his student loans and they garnished our tax returns. Stuff I was not aware of because he hid the bills.


I realized I couldn't live like this. I filed for divorce to protect me and my children. Since I filed a year ago, my daughter from my previous marriage has been in therapy for depression resulting from the way he treated her over the years. She had suicidal thoughts and thankfully approached me about them and I dropped everything to get her the help she needs. 

He's been employed with 9 different companies over the past 5 years. I would hear how "Cash" is hard to work with. He's always on his phone and fucking off. I do everything around here. Same old MO over and over again. Never his fault. He's the victim. When he'd get a new job he'd tell me he's doing it to better the financial circumstances for us. BUT, he was fired from a few of those jobs. 

He doesn't pay child support on time. When questioned he tells me that I don't know how to manage my money and I blow it all. You're right, I pay daycare 2-3 weeks at a time and what is left, if anything, buys food and diapers for her. But yet, I blow the money and need to grow the fuck up according to him. 

There is much more, but hopefully, my story can help someone else have the courage to realize their self-worth and get out of a similar situation.

Regards,
Anonymous

_______________________________________

This story sounds eerily familiar. Although the circumstances are different, the red flags are all the same! It's important to always have your guard up and watch for those red flags. 


Did You See These?

narcissistic, abuse, abusive, narcissism

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Top Alternatives To Ghosting

I'm pretty positive that most of us understand the term "ghosting" these days, but for those who don't, it's when you are talking to someone or even dating someone and then they simply disappear. They stop calling, stop texting, and when you ask them why they don't respond. It's as if they fell off the face of the earth, but you know that they really did not fall off the earth!

Ghosting, dating, online dating


It happens a lot! Especially with online dating. You can spend hours talking to someone for weeks, even months, and then they just disappear.

I just assume that they are either married and the wifey found out or guilt stepped in, they lost interest, or you were on a long list of other people they were talking to and someone else won them over better than you did. No matter what the reason is, ghosting sucks! It is a shitty thing to do to someone especially if they have invested a lot of time getting to know you and you them. It's hurftul and it really does a number on the other person's self-esteem, forcing them to question if they did or said something wrong.

And typically when a person ghosts, it's because they don't have the balls to face you and tell you the reasons that they don't want to talk to you. So instead of just manning up and doing what they should do, they make you sit there and wonder what you did wrong or feel like you just weren't good enough. Did I say something wrong? Was it the pictures I sent? Was there someone else? You don't give them a chance to get closure on the situation.

I mean, I get it. There have been times where I thought someone was interesting in the beginning, only to get to know them better and find out they are a real bore or have other issues that I'm just not looking to deal with in a relationship. It happens. It does suck having to tell someone that you're not interested because you don't want to hurt their feelings and you're not sure how they will react.

Some Examples Of How To Let Someone Down Without Ghosting

Try some of these:

Hey (name), I've enjoyed chatting with you, but I just don't think we are a good match. We seem to be looking for different things. I wish you lots of luck!

Hi (name). Thank you for dinner on Sunday, the food was great. I just didn't feel much chemistry between us, so I don't think there will be a second date. Good luck.

Look, I have to be honest. I've been talking to someone else, and we went out on a date over the weekend and really hit it off, so I'd like to see where things go with her.

The last one is an actual text I got a few months ago. Although it stung a little bit because I felt like we had really hit it off, I appreciated his honesty. I'm sure it took a lot of guts to send it.

There are lots of ways that you can let someone down easy. You don't have to be a dick about it, just be honest! The last guy who ghosted me kept using the excuse that he was busy. The too busy excuse pisses me off because it only takes a minute or two to say, "hey I'm thinking of you, just been really busy. Hope to chat soon!" just to let them know that you are still interested.

This same guy who used the excuse that he was too busy was also posting multiple photos on MeetMe and Instagram. Obviously, he wasn't THAT busy. And he must have forgotten that I was following him on both of those platforms.

If the other person you are talking to is a mature adult, they will understand the situation and accept it without any drama. Unfortunately, not everyone is a mature adult and some people may blow it up into a bunch of drama. In that case, there is always the block button.

Of course, we are not going to "vibe" with everyone we meet while dating. That's why people go on dates -- to see if there is good chemistry there and if you hit it off. Sometimes that chemistry is hard to find. Sometimes one person may feel it when the other doesn't.

Ghosting someone is the chicken shit's way out. It's like playing hide and seek and hoping the other person doesn't find you. It's going to hurt them more if you just disappear without any reason, and they may continue to blow up your phone in an attempt to figure out what's wrong. They may even be worried that you are sick or hurt. No one deserves that.

Moral of the story:

DON'T GHOST ANYONE!

Unless the person is a complete psycho or completely rude, there is no reason to disappear on anyone like that. Ghosting makes you look like an asshole -- don't be that person.

Be sure to share this using the buttons below!

More For You


Subscribe