Wednesday, April 3, 2019

My Life As An Empath-- What I'm Learning


I remember as a kid, watching TV shows and feeling my heart begin to race and a nervousness come over me if a character on the show was about to get caught doing something they weren't supposed to be doing. It was so bad that there were times when I would have to look away from the TV until that scene was over. I often times wondered why that happened to me because it didn't seem to happen to others. My friends would be laughing or just watching everything unfold without thinking twice about it.

Was I just weird?

They are sensitive to the visible as well as the invisible and pick up on body language, tone of voice, body movements, the words people choose when they speak, the words they avoid, the logic they use; and the hidden things that only an empath can sense inside another person. --empathguide.com

This happened a lot throughout my life. It was as if I could feel other people's feelings; their anxieties. When I met someone new, it only took a few minutes for me to feel good vibes or bad vibes off of that person, and most of the times, my feelings were right.

I often felt bad vibes from my now ex-husband. I always had this voice in the back of my head telling me that something wasn't right and that sinking feeling in my stomach. He lied too much. His stories didn't make sense. He took advantage of people. Other people grew to dislike him once they got to know the real him. I am not that type of person and I never have been. I've always been the kind and caring person who despises lying, and felt that people only lie to cover up something they've done wrong or to take advantage of others.

Unfortunately, I pushed those thoughts and feelings out of my head because I wanted to see the good in him. I wanted the good times to overpower the bad feelings. I didn't want to believe that the man I married and had children with was a monster. 

I would often times have conversations inside my head going back and forth between the bad vibes and the love I thought I had for him. Was it worth throwing away our marriage because of these things I knew were not right but couldn't physically prove them? It got to the point to where I could tell he was lying just by the way he laughed or how he talked. I picked up on every little sign. He would look me right in the eye, lie to me, and have no idea that I knew he was lying. I didn't want him to know what I knew, and even if I tried explaining it to him, he would deny it or call me crazy.

It was only after our divorce and learning about narcopaths that I realized my inner thoughts were right all along. If only I had listened to them in the first place, I wouldn't have wasted so many years of my life with this bastard.

Now that I have more of an understanding of what exactly an empath is, I've tuned myself in a little bit better. Actually, I was reading an article the other day saying that everyone is an empath they just don't know how to use their powers. I call bullshit. I know so many people who don't seem to give two flying fucks how someone else feels or how uncomfortable someone else is. It's not possible, especially considering how many true narcissists are in this world. 

I've learned to follow what my head feels. If I meet someone and they seem off or like they just have bad energy, I know to stay away from them. It's not worth the chance.

Here's an example that really showed me how in tune I am. A friend of mine began dating a man last year. I had never met him, didn't know anything about him, but she posted videos of him drunk singing in her living room a few time on social media. Most of the time, drunk singing videos are fun, right? Well, I couldn't pinpoint it at the time, but I just had a bad feeling about him just from those few minutes of video. I knew there was something about him that creeped me out and made me want to stay far away from him. Turns out he's a woman beater, and a career criminal who is in and out of jail. Another friend of mine knew him for many years and she later told me that he's always been trouble. 

I had no way of knowing that.

But I felt his negative energy just from those couple of videos. 

It doesn't take very long for me to feel what kind of energy a person has. I'll admit, there have been times where I thought I liked someone, but red flags kept popping up here and there. Those red flags stayed in the back of my mind until I realized that the relationship was not worth putting any energy into because I know what those red flags mean. I had to let the negative energy lead the way and stay away.

Unfortunately, there are going to be situations where we get those bad vibes about someone, but we have to deal with them in some sort of way, whether it be at work or a family friend. We can be polite to them, but we don't have to get close to them, ever. 

There are some bad things about being an empath when it comes to parenting, which I wrote about here: Parenig As An Empath With Anxiety.  It's hard to follow through with tough love when you can feel the hurt that your child is feeling. I've had to learn to push past them and force myself to stay on track and not give in. It's difficult at times and sometimes my feelings win and my kids know how to work it.

Being an empath makes us a good target to a narcissist. They know that they can play on our feelings to win us over. They will give us a sad story about how they were abused as a child or went through some horrific trauma in their life, giving them an excuse for their shitty behavior. We can feel that pain and we want to help them through it, we want to "fix" them. They know that we are easy to take advantage of. They use our sensitivity against us. Once we stand up to them, they turn around and throw it in our face that we are too sensitive! We are just imagining things! 



This is why we all have to learn that we can't save everyone. Not everyone has our best interest at heart. There are monsters out there who will try to eat us alive if we let them. We need to follow our gut instinct and distance ourselves from this kind of toxic personality. We need to use our brains over our hearts. This will save us from so much sorrow in the future. As parents, we also need to teach our kids to not let others manipulate us and take advantage of our kindness.

I am planning on fine tuning my empathic skills. I've heard that there are ways you can tune into them and use them to help you in the future. The goals I have are to fine tune my skills, follow my gut instincts, but not let people take advantage of my kindness. I need to learn to know when someone is attempting to take advantage of me or manipulate me, while also having the ability to stand up for myself and stay away from those kinds of toxic people. None of us need toxic people in our lives. All they do is bring us down. If you feel that something isn't right, then most likely you are probably correct and you need to stay far away. I've learned that ignoring those voices in the back of my head instead of listening to them just brought me pain and regret. Those voices are trying to tell us something and we have to learn to start listening to them.

Do you consider yourself an empath? Why or why not?

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Life As An Empath



Wednesday, March 13, 2019

The Child Support System Isn't Working

Couples don't stay together forever. When that baby arrives, we all plan on having that happily ever after as a family. Unfortunately, life doesn't always work out the way that we planned it. When a couple splits up, they may come to a 50/50 parenting agreement where each parent has equal time with the child and split any extra costs that come along the way as far as caring for the child or school/extracurricular activities. This doesn't happen very often. Many times, the non-custodial parent only wants 50/50 because they think it will stop them from having to pay anything extra for the care of their child, not because they want that extra time with their kids.

child support, single parent, kids


Often times, one parent becomes the custodial parent and the other parent has the child on a set visitation schedule.

Child Support was created to (supposedly) ensure that the non-custodial parent takes responsibility for their child and share the financial responsibility of said child.

Unfortunately, the child support system is so screwed up that most of the time, the deadbeat parent gets off scot-free, leaving the other parent to shoulder the load of supporting a child both financially and emotionally completely on their own.

Each state has its own guidelines for calculating how much child support the non-custodial parent has to pay each month. It is typically based on how much both parents make but depends mainly on how much that NC (non-custodial) parent makes. They also take into consideration how much the NC parent has their child, so that a parent who has them every other week will pay less than one who has their kid only every other weekend.

This is where things get sticky. So, if the NC parent makes 20K a year, they may only be forced to pay $50 a week (or even a month) for a child. Child Support is supposed to be for half of the financial support of said child, and we all know that you can not support a child on that little amount! So the less money the NC parent makes, the less they pay.

On the other hand, I know of instances where the NC parent makes a lot of money and is forced to pay $1,500 a month for ONE child. That's a ridiculously high amount for one child.

There has to be some kind of middle ground. You have single parents who are struggling to get by with their $50/month child support, while other single parents are literally living off their huge amount of CS and not doing anything to support the child they have custody of. What?!?

And the child support system is so screwed up that a large majority of NC parents get away with not paying a dime to help support their child. According to liveabout.com, only 43.4% of custodial parents receive the child support they are due. Less than half!

These deadbeats get a job working under the table and then tell child support that they aren't working. Child support may make them fill out papers showing that they applied to jobs and are making an effort, but that's pretty simple to fake and they don't seem to check up with the employers to see if that person applied as they said.

You have NC parents who just go off the radar. They move and don't give anyone their new address and work under the table so child support can't find them.

Child support's job is to find the deadbeats and force them to support their child when they are being irresponsible. I've talked to a lot of single parents and it seems as if a lot of caseworkers don't want to bother with putting the work in to find these deadbeats or they just don't care.

My ex-husband has never been able to keep a job for very long in the 16 years that I've known him. His jobs usually only last a few months. When we were going to court, he paid child support, but because he couldn't keep a job, it was a very low amount. I had a good case worker here who actually did want to enforce child support. After he moved out of state, she put a hold on his driver's license which carried over to the state he moved to, but after that, it was pretty much out of her hands. I am not allowed to speak to the child support office in the state that he moved to. I have to speak to my caseworker here, and then she has to contact that state's child support office. My ex loves to get an under the table job so that he doesn't have to pay his child support for our 3 kids. He doesn't care about their well being, he just doesn't want me to have his money. In fact, he once refused to apply for a good paying job because he didn't want to have to pay me more money.

My caseworker here would call the other state's caseworker every other day pretty much, trying to get them to keep on his ass, but they wouldn't do anything. After almost a year of him not paying a dime, they finally brought him to court for contempt. He brought $100 with him and paid it. So they gave him another 3 months before another court date. He would again pay $100 before that 3 months was up. He now knows that as long as he pays ANY amount within 90 days, he is off the hook and they won't do anything about it.

Unfortunately, my bills won't do the same! My bills don't go based off of my income, like child support does. I can't just decide to only pay our bills once every 3 months, or pay school fees whenever I feel like it. When the kids have special field trips and activities at school, I can't just decide NOT to pay them. I HAVE to figure it out!

While the deadbeat parent lives their life doing whatever they want when they want without being responsible for their offspring, the custodial parent has to DO IT ALL ON THEIR OWN.

I've talked to a lot of other single parents whose exes owe an upwards of $75,000 in child support and their child support office does nothing about it. Why are these people not standing up for these children and helping these single parents get what they deserve to help raise these kids?

single parent, kids, parenting


There there's the complete opposite end of the spectrum, where you have NC parents who are being forced to pay child support, but never get to see their kids. If they miss even a couple of payments, child support is threatening to send them to jail. Of course, child support is completely separate from visitation, but I know of many situations where the NC parent is forced to pay a ridiculous amount of child support, then told that they need to get their own lawyer to take the custodial parent to court in order to see their own children. I know of one instance where a dad has never missed one single child support payment, and he did get a visitation schedule set up through the courts, however, the custodial parent still refuses to let him see his son. It costs him $200+ each time to take his ex to court for contempt, which he has done 3 times so far, and the judge just gives her a slap on the wrist and nothing else for the contempt. *MIND BLOWN*

Something has to be done. There has to be a better way to handle child support and visitation enforcement. This shit right now just isn't working. Every single parent should be helped to get child support, and every NC parent should be ensured their visitation rights if they want them. No one seems to be thinking of the kids involved in these situations.

The whole child support system needs an overhaul. There has to be a better way to get NC parents to help support the children they have made and be the responsible parent their child deserves and child support should be enforced the same way for every single parent in every single state. NC parents should not be forced to pay an insane amount of child support while being threatened with jail if they miss one or two payments while others are tens of thousands of dollars behind and running free.

Have you dealt with the child support system? Leave a comment and tell us about your experience!


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Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Getting Real Revenge On A Narcissist

Being hurt by a narcissist is an extremely painful process. I say process because most of us all go through a set of feelings/emotions before moving on with our lives. Luckily, I've found that there is one real way to 'get back' at a narcissist. It may not be the way that you want or expect to get revenge on a narcissist, but in the end, it will absolutely bring you the results that you both need!



Hurt. Hurt is typically the very first reaction when you discover that you are dealing with a narcissist. This is when you begin learning about this psychological phenomenon. You feel such soul-sucking unrelenting pain deep in the depths of your being once you realize that the person you loved, the person you defended, the person you have been spending your life with has been lying and deceiving you for yours. Everything was one big lie. Every single thing he told you, the life experiences he told you about, the words he promised to you, everything was all one big farce. None of it was true. When you were not around, he was a completely different person that you had never met before until now. You ask yourself over and over what you did wrong and/or why you didn't see through his bullshit, but none of it was your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.

You were so good to them, so how could he be so awful to you... and get away with it?

Anger. You've done the research. You've learned more about your ex and their double or even triple personalities. Now you're pissed! You're pissed at yourself for not seeing through their bullshit years ago. You should have gone with your gut feeling instead of believing his falsehoods. You're angry that he got away with the lies, the cheating, the blaming for all this time. You're also angry that he can just move on and act as if he never did a thing wrong, and he still tries to blame you for it. You fucker!! You didn't deserve me.

You want to get your revenge on him. You want to hurt him the way that he hurt you. You want him to feel the feelings that you have felt for months. But how?

The calm. This is what finally happens. You've gone through the hurt and the anger, you're done with the drama, now you are ready for the calm. If you are lucky enough, you can just move on and forget about him and leave all of this in the past. You are ready to find happiness again and enjoy life instead of hating him, but he doesn't want to let go. He still wants to hang on to you and pull your strings for as long as he can.

Exacting your revenge.

Oh, you daydream of the things you could do to get revenge on him. The secrets you could reveal. The ways you could hurt him.

The problem is, narcissists don't care. You can't hurt someone who doesn't care about you, himself or anyone else for that matter. If you have children with this person, you can't just rid them from your life. He will always be there. You can't push him out because legally you have to let him in when it comes to your kids because courts don't see narcissistic abuse or anything other than physical abuse as abuse. So they will allow him to have access to his children, no matter how mentally abusive he is or how much he attempts to lie to and manipulate them despite the lifetime affects it can have on them, and you still have to stay in contact with him for that reason.

Believe it or not though, he still enjoys having some kind of control over you, and he will do or say everything possible to get a rise out of you. He may threaten you on a regular basis. Maybe not necessarily physical harm, but he may threaten other things such as taking you to court and getting full custody of the kids because you are such a horrible mom. Or he may threaten that he knows everything about you and has all kinds of "dirt" on you and can have you sent to jail.

No matter what it is, he will play on your fears. He knows you well enough to know what you are scared of; the things that really get to you. And he will use those as much as possible to get you in an uproar. He enjoys seeing you go over the edge when threatened to have your kids taken from you, even though he knows that he wouldn't have a chance in Hell of getting custody of your babies.

My ex once went into a rage and told me that he had the police at his house right at that very moment pressing felony charges on me and that I was in big trouble now... because he knew that I've always been scared of going to jail or prison and have never been in any kind of trouble. Nothing ever happened. No charges filed. No cops called.

They play on your fears. They get off on seeing you squirm. It makes them feel powerful and in control. I'll be the first one to admit that it worked on me for a little while. Every time he didn't get his way he would threaten to take our kids from me or call the cops on me. It never happened. Nothing ever happened.

The best revenge you can get on a narcissist is taking back that control! Ignore his idle threats. When he goes off on a rampage and threatens to take you to court for contempt or press charges on you, simply ignore it. Leave them on read. Don't let yourself play into their little conniving games. If you can, block them from everything: social media, e-mail, texts..etc.

This is what REALLY gets to them. They wait for your response. They want you to explode emotionally and beg them not to do whatever they have threatened to do. They want you to cry, they want you to worry. My ex used to send me into full-blown panic attacks, and he ALWAYS did it when he knew I would be at work. Every time.

Then one day, it just clicked. Why the Hell do I keep letting him have this control over me?? What gives him the right to get me that upset?? I gave him that right, and I took that right away!

I stopped responding to any of his threats and only responded to important questions about the kids. Our kids are older now and have their own ways to communicate with him if they want to, so there really is no need at all for the two of us to communicate. I took back that control and boy did it piss him off!!!

He still tries once in a while. For instance, because I don't speak to him any longer, he goes through our kids and tells them things like, "I don't want to put you in the middle of this but tell your mom if she does THIS one more time, I'm taking her to court for contempt". I simply tell the kids to ignore it and not respond.

The best revenge you can get is to take back your control. This will most likely send them into a rage and make them hate you more than they already do (you know, since everything wrong in their life is YOUR fault), but he won't let you see that. He may try to think of other ways to get under your skin, but all you have to do is not let him in. If you know you have done nothing wrong, then you have nothing to fear.

You have your own life now. He doesn't need to know anything about your life, and what you do is none of his concern. That part of your life is over. Don't give him the satisfaction of being able to control or manipulate you any longer. Know your rights and learn to stand up for yourself. Don't let him bully you any longer.

That's all the revenge you need, and you can sit and smile comfortably in your own life knowing that you effectively got some revenge and now you can learn from your mistakes and never let a narcissist control your life again.

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