Wednesday, March 13, 2019

The Child Support System Isn't Working

Couples don't stay together forever. When that baby arrives, we all plan on having that happily ever after as a family. Unfortunately, life doesn't always work out the way that we planned it. When a couple splits up, they may come to a 50/50 parenting agreement where each parent has equal time with the child and split any extra costs that come along the way as far as caring for the child or school/extracurricular activities. This doesn't happen very often. Many times, the non-custodial parent only wants 50/50 because they think it will stop them from having to pay anything extra for the care of their child, not because they want that extra time with their kids.

child support, single parent, kids

Often times, one parent becomes the custodial parent and the other parent has the child on a set visitation schedule.

Child Support was created to (supposedly) ensure that the non-custodial parent takes responsibility for their child and share the financial responsibility of said child.

Unfortunately, the child support system is so screwed up that most of the time, the deadbeat parent gets off scot-free, leaving the other parent to shoulder the load of supporting a child both financially and emotionally completely on their own.

Each state has its own guidelines for calculating how much child support the non-custodial parent has to pay each month. It is typically based on how much both parents make but depends mainly on how much that NC (non-custodial) parent makes. They also take into consideration how much the NC parent has their child, so that a parent who has them every other week will pay less than one who has their kid only every other weekend.

This is where things get sticky. So, if the NC parent makes 20K a year, they may only be forced to pay $50 a week (or even a month) for a child. Child Support is supposed to be for half of the financial support of said child, and we all know that you can not support a child on that little amount! So the less money the NC parent makes, the less they pay.

On the other hand, I know of instances where the NC parent makes a lot of money and is forced to pay $1,500 a month for ONE child. That's a ridiculously high amount for one child.

There has to be some kind of middle ground. You have single parents who are struggling to get by with their $50/month child support, while other single parents are literally living off their huge amount of CS and not doing anything to support the child they have custody of. What?!?

And the child support system is so screwed up that a large majority of NC parents get away with not paying a dime to help support their child. According to, only 43.4% of custodial parents receive the child support they are due. Less than half!

These deadbeats get a job working under the table and then tell child support that they aren't working. Child support may make them fill out papers showing that they applied to jobs and are making an effort, but that's pretty simple to fake and they don't seem to check up with the employers to see if that person applied as they said.

You have NC parents who just go off the radar. They move and don't give anyone their new address and work under the table so child support can't find them.

Child support's job is to find the deadbeats and force them to support their child when they are being irresponsible. I've talked to a lot of single parents and it seems as if a lot of caseworkers don't want to bother with putting the work in to find these deadbeats or they just don't care.

My ex-husband has never been able to keep a job for very long in the 16 years that I've known him. His jobs usually only last a few months. When we were going to court, he paid child support, but because he couldn't keep a job, it was a very low amount. I had a good case worker here who actually did want to enforce child support. After he moved out of state, she put a hold on his driver's license which carried over to the state he moved to, but after that, it was pretty much out of her hands. I am not allowed to speak to the child support office in the state that he moved to. I have to speak to my caseworker here, and then she has to contact that state's child support office. My ex loves to get an under the table job so that he doesn't have to pay his child support for our 3 kids. He doesn't care about their well being, he just doesn't want me to have his money. In fact, he once refused to apply for a good paying job because he didn't want to have to pay me more money.

My caseworker here would call the other state's caseworker every other day pretty much, trying to get them to keep on his ass, but they wouldn't do anything. After almost a year of him not paying a dime, they finally brought him to court for contempt. He brought $100 with him and paid it. So they gave him another 3 months before another court date. He would again pay $100 before that 3 months was up. He now knows that as long as he pays ANY amount within 90 days, he is off the hook and they won't do anything about it.

Unfortunately, my bills won't do the same! My bills don't go based off of my income, like child support does. I can't just decide to only pay our bills once every 3 months, or pay school fees whenever I feel like it. When the kids have special field trips and activities at school, I can't just decide NOT to pay them. I HAVE to figure it out!

While the deadbeat parent lives their life doing whatever they want when they want without being responsible for their offspring, the custodial parent has to DO IT ALL ON THEIR OWN.

I've talked to a lot of other single parents whose exes owe an upwards of $75,000 in child support and their child support office does nothing about it. Why are these people not standing up for these children and helping these single parents get what they deserve to help raise these kids?

single parent, kids, parenting

There there's the complete opposite end of the spectrum, where you have NC parents who are being forced to pay child support, but never get to see their kids. If they miss even a couple of payments, child support is threatening to send them to jail. Of course, child support is completely separate from visitation, but I know of many situations where the NC parent is forced to pay a ridiculous amount of child support, then told that they need to get their own lawyer to take the custodial parent to court in order to see their own children. I know of one instance where a dad has never missed one single child support payment, and he did get a visitation schedule set up through the courts, however, the custodial parent still refuses to let him see his son. It costs him $200+ each time to take his ex to court for contempt, which he has done 3 times so far, and the judge just gives her a slap on the wrist and nothing else for the contempt. *MIND BLOWN*

Something has to be done. There has to be a better way to handle child support and visitation enforcement. This shit right now just isn't working. Every single parent should be helped to get child support, and every NC parent should be ensured their visitation rights if they want them. No one seems to be thinking of the kids involved in these situations.

The whole child support system needs an overhaul. There has to be a better way to get NC parents to help support the children they have made and be the responsible parent their child deserves and child support should be enforced the same way for every single parent in every single state. NC parents should not be forced to pay an insane amount of child support while being threatened with jail if they miss one or two payments while others are tens of thousands of dollars behind and running free.

Have you dealt with the child support system? Leave a comment and tell us about your experience!


Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Getting Real Revenge On A Narcissist

Being hurt by a narcissist is an extremely painful process. I say process because most of us all go through a set of feelings/emotions before moving on with our lives. Luckily, I've found that there is one real way to 'get back' at a narcissist. It may not be the way that you want or expect to get revenge on a narcissist, but in the end, it will absolutely bring you the results that you both need!

Hurt. Hurt is typically the very first reaction when you discover that you are dealing with a narcissist. This is when you begin learning about this psychological phenomenon. You feel such soul-sucking unrelenting pain deep in the depths of your being once you realize that the person you loved, the person you defended, the person you have been spending your life with has been lying and deceiving you for yours. Everything was one big lie. Every single thing he told you, the life experiences he told you about, the words he promised to you, everything was all one big farce. None of it was true. When you were not around, he was a completely different person that you had never met before until now. You ask yourself over and over what you did wrong and/or why you didn't see through his bullshit, but none of it was your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.

You were so good to them, so how could he be so awful to you... and get away with it?

Anger. You've done the research. You've learned more about your ex and their double or even triple personalities. Now you're pissed! You're pissed at yourself for not seeing through their bullshit years ago. You should have gone with your gut feeling instead of believing his falsehoods. You're angry that he got away with the lies, the cheating, the blaming for all this time. You're also angry that he can just move on and act as if he never did a thing wrong, and he still tries to blame you for it. You fucker!! You didn't deserve me.

You want to get your revenge on him. You want to hurt him the way that he hurt you. You want him to feel the feelings that you have felt for months. But how?

The calm. This is what finally happens. You've gone through the hurt and the anger, you're done with the drama, now you are ready for the calm. If you are lucky enough, you can just move on and forget about him and leave all of this in the past. You are ready to find happiness again and enjoy life instead of hating him, but he doesn't want to let go. He still wants to hang on to you and pull your strings for as long as he can.

Exacting your revenge.

Oh, you daydream of the things you could do to get revenge on him. The secrets you could reveal. The ways you could hurt him.

The problem is, narcissists don't care. You can't hurt someone who doesn't care about you, himself or anyone else for that matter. If you have children with this person, you can't just rid them from your life. He will always be there. You can't push him out because legally you have to let him in when it comes to your kids because courts don't see narcissistic abuse or anything other than physical abuse as abuse. So they will allow him to have access to his children, no matter how mentally abusive he is or how much he attempts to lie to and manipulate them despite the lifetime affects it can have on them, and you still have to stay in contact with him for that reason.

Believe it or not though, he still enjoys having some kind of control over you, and he will do or say everything possible to get a rise out of you. He may threaten you on a regular basis. Maybe not necessarily physical harm, but he may threaten other things such as taking you to court and getting full custody of the kids because you are such a horrible mom. Or he may threaten that he knows everything about you and has all kinds of "dirt" on you and can have you sent to jail.

No matter what it is, he will play on your fears. He knows you well enough to know what you are scared of; the things that really get to you. And he will use those as much as possible to get you in an uproar. He enjoys seeing you go over the edge when threatened to have your kids taken from you, even though he knows that he wouldn't have a chance in Hell of getting custody of your babies.

My ex once went into a rage and told me that he had the police at his house right at that very moment pressing felony charges on me and that I was in big trouble now... because he knew that I've always been scared of going to jail or prison and have never been in any kind of trouble. Nothing ever happened. No charges filed. No cops called.

They play on your fears. They get off on seeing you squirm. It makes them feel powerful and in control. I'll be the first one to admit that it worked on me for a little while. Every time he didn't get his way he would threaten to take our kids from me or call the cops on me. It never happened. Nothing ever happened.

The best revenge you can get on a narcissist is taking back that control! Ignore his idle threats. When he goes off on a rampage and threatens to take you to court for contempt or press charges on you, simply ignore it. Leave them on read. Don't let yourself play into their little conniving games. If you can, block them from everything: social media, e-mail, texts..etc.

This is what REALLY gets to them. They wait for your response. They want you to explode emotionally and beg them not to do whatever they have threatened to do. They want you to cry, they want you to worry. My ex used to send me into full-blown panic attacks, and he ALWAYS did it when he knew I would be at work. Every time.

Then one day, it just clicked. Why the Hell do I keep letting him have this control over me?? What gives him the right to get me that upset?? I gave him that right, and I took that right away!

I stopped responding to any of his threats and only responded to important questions about the kids. Our kids are older now and have their own ways to communicate with him if they want to, so there really is no need at all for the two of us to communicate. I took back that control and boy did it piss him off!!!

He still tries once in a while. For instance, because I don't speak to him any longer, he goes through our kids and tells them things like, "I don't want to put you in the middle of this but tell your mom if she does THIS one more time, I'm taking her to court for contempt". I simply tell the kids to ignore it and not respond.

The best revenge you can get is to take back your control. This will most likely send them into a rage and make them hate you more than they already do (you know, since everything wrong in their life is YOUR fault), but he won't let you see that. He may try to think of other ways to get under your skin, but all you have to do is not let him in. If you know you have done nothing wrong, then you have nothing to fear.

You have your own life now. He doesn't need to know anything about your life, and what you do is none of his concern. That part of your life is over. Don't give him the satisfaction of being able to control or manipulate you any longer. Know your rights and learn to stand up for yourself. Don't let him bully you any longer.

That's all the revenge you need, and you can sit and smile comfortably in your own life knowing that you effectively got some revenge and now you can learn from your mistakes and never let a narcissist control your life again.


Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Overeating Is A Disorder, Not An Easy Fix

When you hear the words "eating disorder" what do you think of?

Most likely, you think of anorexia or bulimia. You probably think of someone with a skeleton like body who is afraid to eat, or vomits up everything she eats in order to not gain weight.

If you saw a photo of someone who represented one of these eating disorders, just skin and bones with no fat on their body, would you laugh at them? Would you poke fun at them? Call them names? Would you body shame them? Would you tell them to just suck it up and go eat a burger? OK, there may be a few trolls out there who would, but most people would not. Instead, they would show them kindness and sympathy and hope that they can beat this eating disorder and have somewhat of a normal existence.

When you see an overweight or obese person do you feel the same sympathy for them? Do you look at them in disgust? Do you laugh or make jokes?

Do any of you fat shamers out there realize that overeating is considered an eating disorder? The same as anorexia and bulimia?

Don't believe me? Ask the mayo clinic.

When you have binge-eating disorder, you regularly eat too much food (binge) and feel a lack of control over your eating. You may eat quickly or eat more food than intended, even when you're not hungry, and you may continue eating even long after you're uncomfortably full.

After a binge, you may feel guilty, disgusted or ashamed by your behavior and the amount of food eaten. But you don't try to compensate for this behavior with excessive exercise or purging, as someone with bulimia or anorexia might. Embarrassment can lead to eating alone to hide your bingeing.

Why is it ok to ridicule and laugh at overweight people, but have sympathy for underweight people? Well, first of all, what gives you the right to ridicule ANYONE for how they look? You aren't God and you don't get to judge me or anyone else for how our bodies look. But why does it seem like it's more acceptable to hurt and belittle an overweight person, but sympathize with an anorexic?

Do you really believe that an overweight person wants to be overweight? They realize that they eat too much, but it's a compulsory reaction. We overeat to compensate for something else, we overeat because we are bored, we overeat because we are depressed. Food makes us feel better, the same as a drug or alcohol does others. Unless you have ever dealt with addiction, you can not possibly understand, especially when food is essential in life. We HAVE to eat. Food is everywhere we look, TV, online, on every street. It's always in our face.

How about instead of ridiculing them or making jokes about them, you be kind and supportive? Did you ever think of that? You can't force anyone to lose weight, just like you can't force someone to gain weight. They have to want to do it in order to be successful. Fat shaming someone just makes everything worse, especially someone who already suffers from depression and uses food as coping mechanism. You're just pushing them towards food, not away from it. Bullying has never "saved" anyone, in fact, it hurts instead of helps.

I read a story not too long ago of a woman who was overweight. She got cancer and lost a large amount of weight quickly. When she lost the weight, people began telling her how beautiful and healthy she looked. She was dying from cancer. She wasn't healthy because she was thin, she was thin because she was dying. You can not judge someone's health by the number on the scale! It's not possible.

I have always believed that bullies who feel the need to make fun of or be mean to others are only doing it because they are insecure with themselves. Obviously, they need to make themselves feel better by belittling others. Other people's bodies are not your business. You are not a doctor, you don't know their story, you don't know their health.

A quote that has stuck in my head is: Hurt People Hurt People.

Think about that one the next time you want to judge and bully someone else. How perfect are you? Why not give them a helping hand instead of stabbing them in the back? How about a little compassion?
Some Help For Compulsive Eating

My whole point of this post is that I don't think many people realize that overeating is an eating disorder. A disorder! Overweight people fight battles in their heads every day with what they eat and how much they eat. It's an addiction. They know that they eat too much and they know that it's not good for them, but the demons in their head have control.  You can't tell them to just "stop eating junk and go exercise". I mean, it sounds so simple, doesn't it? If it was so simple, then why would so many people be struggling with being overweight? It may sound simple to you, but it's not so simple to everyone else. You wouldn't tell a druggie to just, "stop doing drugs and go get a job", because you know it wouldn't be that simple to a drug addict. It's the same thing.

You're not a doctor. You're not a psychiatrist. Stop pretending to be both by spewing nonsense out of your ass about something you don't understand. It only makes you look like an asshole. Don't be an asshole.